Does anyone remember Metal? The music that was truly all about drugs, rock n roll and bad manners? Metal had its hey day in my life and reading this article took me back to a place I don't go to much these days. Thought it'd be a fun thing to share - though it has nothing to do with internet radio. It's a long read so grab a drink (or 5) and join me in the days when hair was long, pants were ripped (or ripped off) and manners were oh so out of control!
Maxim, January 2004
By Sean Cunningham
25 Def Leppard Drummer Lends A Hand
When Rick Allen lost his left arm after a car accident on New Year’s Eve in 1984, many believed he’d never pound skin again. A few years later he proved them wrong, helping his band crank out Hysteria. Then the people said, “Sure, he can drum, but can he still beat his wife?” In ’95 Allen answered the naysayers by gallantly assaulting his missus in an LAX airport bathroom. His example remains a beacon to crippled ****s everywhere.
24 Nikki Sixx Takes A Licking
Mötley Crüe were rock’s most cretinous band. Ozzy Osbourne was…well, Ozzy Osbourne. When the Crüe opened for the Bark at the Moon tour in ’84, a gross-out showdown was inevitable. After snorting a line of ants (he’d run out of cocaine), Ozzy threw down the gauntlet by taking a piss and then licking it up. Crüe guitarist Nikki Sixx rose to the challenge. He also pissed…but Ozzy beat him to the slurp. “From that moment on,” Sixx remembers, “we always knew that wherever we were, there was someone who was sicker and more disgusting than we were.”
23 Norway Goes Totally Mental
Ah, beautiful Norway. Home to salmon, fjords, and…hard-core death metal. In 1991 the band Mayhem’s lead singer, Dead, showing a keen sense of irony, killed himself. As a show of mourning, drummer Hellhammer made a necklace out of his skull fragments, and guitarist Euronymous reportedly ate some of Dead’s brain. This obviously made bassist Count Grishnackh jealous, so he murdered Euronymous. Many groups would split when band members start killing and eating each other. Those groups are probably wussy Swedes. No, Mayhem’s still going strong today, even though a fan at a recent concert got his skull fractured by a flying sheep’s head and promptly sued their asses.
22 Angus Goes Back To School
AC/DC aren’t exactly known for thinking things through. They picked the name AC/DC without realizing it was slang for bisexual, and for a time Angus Young actually pranced around onstage dressed like the legendary masked rider Zorro. Luckily, he eventually listened to his sister and in 1976 started dressing as a schoolboy. Rock has enough capes.
21 Let Me Stand Next To Your Firecrotch
W.A.S.P.’s Blackie Lawless, the man responsible for such Tipper Gore–pleasing hits as “Animal (**** Like a Beast),” always loved to put on a show. He started out eating worms but soon could afford grander spectacles, such as having a nun on a 13-foot cross raped with a knife. The zenith came in 2000 when Lawless got his pyrotechnic codpiece, which, he boasts, sprays flames up to 20 feet. Damn! Ours only goes to 11.
20 Commie Chameleons
The 1989 Moscow Peace Festival was organized to help prevent drug abuse among young people. It worked, in a way—the bands involved did all the drugs in sight before any kids could get to them. On the flight over, Bon Jovi, the Scorpions, and Ozzy downed massive amounts of booze and employed an on-board “doctor,” who made sure they were all nice and medicated. Oddly enough, one band did manage to stay completely sober the entire trip: noted drug addicts Mötley Crüe.
19 Diamond Dave Puts His Foot Down
David Lee Roth just pisses people off. Sammy Hagar flies into a rage whenever he’s mentioned. Eddie Van Halen has vowed to kick him in the nuts. But you know who holds the biggest grudge? His old Van Halen road manager. After concerts he was required to pour Perrier over the Roth’s feet.
18 Groupies Go High-tech
A groupie’s life used to be rough. After performing sexual favors for roadies, she’d finally bribe her way backstage to drink from the goo tap of the rock star du jour only to discover…he’s more Tiny Dancer than Hammer of the Gods. What a waste! Thanks to metal-sludge.com, such disappointments are now preventable, for there lies the world-famous Penis Chart, where groupies learn they should go wild with White Lion’s Vito Bratta (“Hung like the Italian Stallion he is”) but avoid Dokken’s Mick Brown (“Maybe three inches if you pull on it”).
17 Led Zeppelin Goes Fishing
We’ve all heard the rumors that in 1969 the Zeppelin boys violated a groupie with a mud shark. Lies! No one affiliated with Zeppelin would stand for a sick stunt like that. It was a red snapper. Plus, none of the band members were even there—the deed was done by their road manager. Technically, Jimmy Page did once throw four live octopi into a bathtub with two girls (one of whom cried, “It’s like having an eight-armed vibrator!”), but chicks dig sushi, right?
16 Vince Neil Goes For A Spin
On an urgent beer run in 1984, Mötley Crüe’s frontman smacked into another car while doing 65 in a 25 mph zone, seriously injuring both people in the vehicle and killing his passenger, Hanoi Rocks drummer Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley. Neil’s punishment: $2.6 million in restitution and a whopping 30 days in jail…which was actually deferred after it was agreed he’d be more useful lecturing kids on the road than locked up in some prison somewhere (inspiring the headline: DRUNK KILLER VINCE NEIL SENTENCED TO TOURING WORLD WITH ROCK BAND). Man, even O.J. would shake his head over this one.
15 Best Concert Ever
The ultimate double bill: Metallica and Guns N’ Roses rocking Montreal in ’92. But after a pyro mishap almost incinerated James Hetfield, Axl Rose feared that Guns N’ Roses might get overshadowed. Unacceptable! So Axl stormed off the stage just minutes into GN’R’s set. Angry Quepeckers poured into le streets and erupted into le violence.
14 Richie Kotzen Fits Right In
Poison’s new guitarist, Richie Kotzen, didn’t exactly have big shoes to fill in 1992. The last guy, C.C. DeVille, was such a hopeless addict, he once performed half a song on MTV with his guitar unplugged. Kotzen seemed to be working out great, remembering to plug himself in and everything. Sadly, he was plugging something else: drummer Rikki Rockett’s fiancée, leading to the most embarrassing moment involving a percussionist since the Ringo Rama album.
13 Nikki Sixx Keeps On Ticking
Mötley Crüe’s bassist was having a typical evening (meeting up with guys from Megadeth, doing coke, vomiting in a limo—you know, the usual) when he asked a dealer to shoot him up. He promptly lost consciousness. OK, so far, so good. But then Sixx technically died on the way to the hospital, finally getting his heart kick-started two minutes later. Naturally, Sixx celebrated his resurrection by hitchhiking home from the hospital and overdosing on heroin again, this time nonfatally. Nice to have everything back to normal.
12 Mr. Osbourne Goes To Washington
America is a great country. Where else in the world could a man who tried to kill his current wife, allegedly shot his ex’s 17 cats, pissed on the Alamo, and bit the heads off a zoo’s worth of animals still be invited to a function with the nation’s powerbrokers? It happened when Ozzy attended the May 5, 2002 White House Correspondents Dinner. President Bush addressed him at length, joking, “Mom loves your stuff.” No word on whether Barbara asked Ozzy to sign her ****.
11 “And The Hard Rock/Metal Grammy Goes To…”
It took a long time for the oh-so-relevant Grammys to add a Best Hard Rock/Metal award, but when they finally did, on February 22, 1989, they made sure to do it right. They invited Metallica to perform “One” on the telecast, and the band kicked some serious ass. So when the time came to give out the trophy, it was no surprise it went to…Jethro Tull? The 40-year-old guys with the flute? Metalheads everywhere were outraged, but it proved once and for all that if you really wanna rock, you need a flautist.
10 A Fine Line Between Stupid And Clever
While it took the world some time to fully appreciate the genius of the 1984 metal parody This Is Spinal Tap, David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel, and Derek Smalls knew they could exist apart from the film. They reunited years later, released a new album (Break Like the Wind), and went on tour, meaning the pretend band had more staying power than most of the bands it mocked (yeah, we’re talking about you, Slaughter).
9 A Fan Gets To Join The Band
When Rob Halford jumped out of the closet and split from Judas Priest (“It must’ve been the worst-kept secret in rock’n’roll,” said guitarist K.K. Downing), a new vocalist was needed. Where to find someone who slavishly tried to be Rob? Why, a tribute band, of course! So Judas Priest hired pseudo-Rob Ripper Owens. It goes to show that dreams can come true. Of course, this story inspired Mark Wahlberg’s movie Rock Star, showing that dreams can also be churned into ****.
8 Lemmy Does It For The Kids
Motörhead leader Lemmy Kilmister has done many questionable things, from having a cameo in porn flick John Wayne Bobbit Uncut to serving time in a Canadian jail. But he outdid himself in 1982, when he invited a 15-year-old school paper reporter to the studio and plied the lad with vodka. Makes our trip to the petting zoo with Oingo Boingo seem pretty lame.
7 Tommy Lee in Love (Take 1)
He was a rock star. She was a lingerie model named Honey. First he ordered her to blow all his friends in a Jacuzzi, then she sold pictures of them to a porn mag without his knowledge. Then she called his mother a ****, so he knocked out her teeth and dumped her on the side of the road.
6 Bon Jovi Says Bon Voyage
As a member of Bon Jovi, Alec John Such had a good thing going…if only Jon would stop being such a meany-pants! In 1994 Such gave a magazine interview about how Bon Jovi’s criticism of his playing hurt his feelings. The criticism ended, because Such was allegedly kicked out of the band. To this day Jon Bon Jovi maintains that Such left because of the “stress of touring,” which is a Jersey euphemism for “being a *****.”
5 Tommy Lee in Love (Takes 2, 3, and 4)
We respected him for doing Heather Locklear. We thought highly of him for drilling Bobbie Brown (the model from the “Cherry Pie” video, not Whitney Houston’s husband). But then along came Pamela Anderson. This was Lee’s triumph, and he’s got the tape to prove it. Also, he showed us that he can steer a boat with his penis. Drive safely, Tommy!
4 Slash Solves His Drinking Problem
Saul Hudson (yes, that’s his real name) actually hired a bodyguard specifically to carry him home when he passed out drunk. Way to think outside the box, Saul!
3 John Bonham Cures Foot Funk
After a tough day of touring in 1971, the Zeppelin drummer wanted to watch TV, but his road manager was making too much noise with groupies. Rather than interrupt, Bonzo grabbed one of the girl’s shoes and **** in it. The next day she whined, “You **** in my shoe yesterday!” Then added, “I wanted to thank you for a wonderful night!” Sure, he can get away with it…
2 **** On, Feel The Law
After a brief moment near the top, Quiet Riot lead singer Kevin DuBrow quickly became metal’s answer to George Costanza. He had no money and no car, lived with his mother, and was rapidly losing his hair. But in 1994 this all finally worked in his favor. He faced a lawsuit over an alleged nightclub assault, but as he told his sad story, the judge found him so pathetic he showed mercy. DuBrow had a victory…a sad, withered, shriveled victory, sure, but why nitpick?
1 Faster *****cat, Run, Run
Faster *****cat: Taime, Brent, Greg, Eric, and Mark. A team. A band. At least until drummer Mark Michal was arrested after having drugs Fed-Exed to his hotel. Seeing their wingman needed help, the rest of the group did what you’d expect: They got on a plane, fled the country, and ditched him. Ah, the music biz—like prostitution, only sleazy.
